Barre is the New Blackout
I can see the reflection of snow falling through the mirror in my barre room as I sip coffee on a snow day morning and write. In addition to teaching virtual barre classes, I am a school counselor, and although it is my job to teach students how to cope with emotions, my cup used to endlessly overflow with wine on Snow Day mornings. I’d be filled with momentary euphoria and the wine would continue until the inevitable blackout overtook me. Although I’d be tired the next day, hungover was my normal; this was my usual after-work routine as well, so I had this pattern down. I’d juggle the regular busyness of the following day and leave work fully satisfied, knowing school counselors don’t have drinking problems.
On countless mornings, I’d wake up in fear and attempt to piece my previous night’s movements together. When I worked with my therapist years later, we estimated that my BAC levels were likely around .30 on these nights. Often, people wouldn’t be able to tell I was in a blackout.
Not only did my BAC come close to potentially lethal levels, but as you can imagine, blacking out but still walking and talking relatively normally opened myself up to a world of danger. I was usually drinking alone on my worst nights and would leave my apartment in a blackout, no matter how many times I hid my keys from myself. I was in my twenties and am a relatively small, 5ft 2 girl. Truly, I believe it’s by the grace of God that I am alive today. When you’re used to drinking being your number one hobby, you’re met with an uncomfortable amount of free time after you quit. In early sobriety, I remember sitting in my room alone, attempting to stomach that wretched feeling of discontentment, texting my then-sponsor/now-BFF that I didn’t know what to do with myself. My therapist helped me remember that I loved gymnastics and movement as a child, so perhaps I might like yoga. In addition to struggling with alcohol, I had an even longer eating disorder history, so I'd spent many years being at war with my mind and my body. I was always interested in group fitness, but it usually went something like joining spin class at the Y half-drunk, leaving early for more alcohol, and ending the night in a bulimic-alcoholic-blackout.
I took my therapist’s suggestion and found an intro deal at my local barre and yoga studio, and, for the first time in my life, I was beginning to genuinely enjoy how movement made me feel. I wasn’t overthinking it. It freed my mind, curbed my alcohol cravings, and nurtured the ability to care for myself and my body. I went so often that a friend at my studio eventually suggested I become certified to teach barre. At the time, it sounded like the perfect evening side-gig to start tackling the debt I’d racked up from drinking. Four years later, it has truly transformed itself into my purpose and passion. This complete change of mindset toward a compassionate mind-body relationship eventually became the vision behind Be Well Barre: to foster a well mind, have gratitude for strength, and find genuine joy in movement.
I found sobriety through Alcoholics Anonymous and would recommend it, but I also remember just how terrifying walking into that first meeting was. Even before I walked through those meeting doors, I would occasionally look up openly sober women on Instagram and wonder how they managed to do it. I found an intense amount of relief knowing I wasn’t alone. So, when I dreamed up my virtual barre studio, I knew I wanted to serve the sober community by creating a space that was relatable to women and accessible from anywhere – essentially, a space I would have loved to have years ago.
Every Sunday, The Recovery Barre meets virtually to hold a casual recovery meeting followed by a free or donation-based express barre class. We have a group chat in the Be Well Barre app to stay connected during the week and post recommendations for quit-lit, podcasts, or other ways to support continued sobriety. I have a lot of long-term goals for The Recovery Barre, and it has become a true highlight of my week. I’ve made friends with women online who I never would have met otherwise, and I am so grateful for them.
I used to spend my Snow Days drinking, but now I spend them deepening a beautiful community connected by sobriety and movement. I used to be scared to be sober, but sobriety has gifted me with the things alcohol sought to deplete me of – dreams, faith, possibilities, friendships.
Although my path wasn’t always pretty, I’m so grateful it’s mine. I’m grateful for the beautiful sober community and my loving husband and deep friendships that surround me. I wouldn’t have any of those people without sobriety. Living sober is a lifelong journey, but it’s one that I wholeheartedly believe is a little bit lighter when walked together.
About Ashlynn:
Ashlynn is a school counselor and founder of Be Well Barre, a live and on-demand barre studio for a well mind + strong body. Be Well Barre hosts The Recovery Barre every Sunday, a free/donation-based class that supports women in sobriety through connection and movement.
Be Well Barre Website / Instagram: @bewellbarre