Ode to the Christmas Morning Post
After following Holly Whitaker, one of the people behind the new podcast “Quitted”, on Instagram, I discovered that her first big capital q “Quit” was just like mine: Choosing to quit drinking in a world that celebrates alcohol. When I scrolled to Holly’s most recent sobriety anniversary post, my own obsession of celebrating my sober anniversary on social media felt untenable. In the first paragraph Holly writes, “My sobriety turned 8 years old this past Weds, a thing I have for the past 7 years woken up for like it was Christmas to post about; instead I slept in, made peanut butter toast and coffee, finished my taxes, gardened. Without announcing it, it passed unnoticed by the outside world.” Until reading about her “Christmas morning post,” I did not have the language to contextualize what sharing my sobriety on social media has felt like these past 6 years. I felt caught, slapped in the face, found out.
Yes, social media is a place and space for connection, and yes, sharing these stories are important, but why do I get so excited to post on the anniversary of my sobriety? Recently someone asked if I’ll ever drink again and I said, “I dunno, I really want to get to 10 years; it’s like a competition with myself.” I have these thoughts that within the sobriety I’m sharing so freely with the outside world, there are deeper addictions to unpack. For example, I recently found out I’m addicted to nicotine. Enamored with the window down, the cigarette at my lips, the fire between my fingers, hooked.
That oral fixation is something that I am constantly trying to dig deeper into. What is the fixation? What is the source of the addiction? Is it my brain? Is it genetics? Is it wanting to be liked? Is it trauma? Is it wanting to be loved? Is it a combination of all of the above, too enmeshed to unpack? There are so many things I’ve told myself At times I’ve felt unloved, unworthy, unimportant. With alcohol, I was able to hide behind my alter-ego; a shinier, more animated, outgoing, feral version of myself. But in truth, what I became was the saddest and most lonely shell of a person.
Looking at all of my posts, what I find so interesting is how they’ve shifted in length over the years. They start out small, as an afterthought. Through the progressing years I became quite verbose (obviously due to my newfound wisdom for making it another year sober).
As a practice in accountability here are said posts in chronological order:
Year 1:
Finally made it out to see this coastal creature 🐚. #cannonbeach #haystackrock #pnw #exploregon
#roadtripvibes P.S. Cheers to 1 year of sobriety. Special thanks to friends & family who understand, bartenders for the N/A suggestions, Kombucha & lemon ginger tea. #sobersister
Year 2:
•Free-a : not determined by anything beyond its own nature or being : choosing or capable of choosing for itself. •Two years ago a voice said to me, “This no longer serves you.” No longer bound to the shackles of liquid courage—I am free~ •I know many people can handle their alcohol, but if you’re like me and can’t, please know that I’m a listening ear. You’re not alone. #blackout #sober #free #consistency #speakyourtruth
Year 3:
Three years sober 🌸🌸🌸Listen to She Explore’s Podcast Episode 92: “Quitting can be Kindness” if you are interested in lessening your drinking intake or making the decision to be sober. After Sarah Hepola’s work, it’s the first thing I’ve been able to relate to as a youngish person who refrains from drinking. Forever grateful to friends, family, and my love for the support. 💜🌻💜 #sober #sobersister #mybingestory #clarity #designateddriver #kombuchaforlife #endpeerpressure #tbt #beecalm #flora #fauna
Year 4:
Today marks 4 years sober. It’s like a birthday of sorts, remembering the day that an outer spirit told me that alcohol no longer serves me. Happy to be 4 years sober. Currently going through the most painful experience of my life after an accident last week but I am so in awe of the army of friends, family, strangers, first responders, EMTs, Pilot, doctors, surgeons, and the many nurses taking care of me. The road to recovery will be long and I am grateful to be on that long painful road. I am grateful to be alive. I am grateful to my family and friends and especially my parents who are the literal STONES in my life. Patience is a virtue that I am embracing in real time and being present, woowee do I have a new definition of that phrase. Looking forward to this life that I get to keep on living. #sober #accidentshappen #shithappens #THANKYOU #bepresent
Year 5:
✨5 YEARS✨
Today marks 5 years into my sobriety journey. Most folks are shocked when I share my age and the amount of time I’ve been sober. I get comments like “but you’re so young!”, or “everybody drinks a lot in college,” or “you’re not an alcoholic!”, etc. What I love most about constantly being able to come home to my body is that I am bearing witness to its wisdom to be the voice that speaks back to me the loudest. I am a black out drinker. That is a truth about me. That is the reason I choose daily to remain sober. I started my relationship with alcohol before it was legal to do so; a norm for many. It was the elixir allowing me to remove my awkward shell and be perceived as “fun” in social situations. It quickly led to a life full of regret, immense shame, one I did not like reflected back to me. A shocking and scary Spring Break 2014 was the catalyst of my wake up call. But it took further mistakes and steps backward until I made the conscious choice to cut out drinking from my life entirely. 5 years ago on this day, I was hanging out on the rooftop of a cafe with dear friends, probably with an IPA in hand, when what I describe as a spirit whisper to me, “This no longer serves you.” I am deeply aware that many have a healthy relationship with alcohol and can handle their consumption. But I do believe our society as a whole has a lot of healing to do surrounding alcohol’s purpose in our lives. To those who need a DD I am here. To those who are sober-curious I am here. To those who need someone to talk to about a night(s) of shame or regret I am here. I’m also grateful to an ever evolving NA industry. Recently discovered @athleticbrewing and I am happy to experience the taste of hops on my tongue again. Cheers to solace, to celebrating a tough year, to the vices that still exist, to creating, to continued growth & healing. #sober #sobriety #soberjourney #5years #kombucha #tea #nonalcoholicbeer #soberstory #minimemoir #designateddriver
Year 6:
6 years.
The longest relationship I’ve had in my adult life & continue to cultivate has been in the absence of alcohol. I’m happy to be at this point at 29 where a good Friday night consists of reading, slow Sunday mornings sipping on coffee & snuggling with my pup—not at all consumed by recovery from the night before.
Six years of learning the power of “No thank you.” Six years of embracing my awkward true self & declining the comfort of a liquor jacket. Six years of being the most hydrated at bars. Six years of rediscovering intimacy through a clearer lens. Six years of being the owner of my own story from the night before. Six years sober—how proud my younger self would be of me now. #sober #nonalcoholic #sobriety #alcoholfree #sixyears #soberliving #5Nfinds
I agree with the things I’ve said on my posts, I believe in the words I have written about my sobriety. I believe that I am a better human for choosing not to drink alcohol, but there’s also truth and messiness in the sharing. Am I branding myself as a sober person for likes or follows? This next year, I hope to be closer to the point where Holly was at 8 years sober – really reflecting on my sober anniversary as a day for myself. To reflect, tend to, honor, and check in with. Because it really is no one else’s day. Part of me thinks: do I share it as a report card? It’s like I’m saying, “Here world, see that I am sober! I didn’t fuck up, I am staying true to this commitment.” But AA and the coins haven’t worked for me. Maybe my yearly “Christmas morning sober-anniversary post” is my accountability report card. And maybe that’s perfectly okay.
There is a duality in quitting drinking. There is a high in the likes and comments on Instagram and in real life when I tell folks I am 6 years sober. Deep down though, why I choose to remain sober is obviously not for the Instagram “Christmas morning post”. It’s for me. It’s for my 18 year old self who got cross-faded at an after prom party and acted like an animal. Because of me acting in this manner, I then started getting invited to parties. It turned into a reward system: being wild equaled popularity and social opportunity, two things I did not have without the help of booze.
This pain that I am trying to heal is real. I fiercely believe that acknowledging why I don’t drink is multi-layered. So when I do post each year, it’s more of a gentle reminder to myself of “Honey, look how far you’ve come. Look at the beautiful, strong, amazing person you are.” And by sharing a small bit of my sorrow with the world, maybe, just maybe, a fellow college black-out drinker will read my post and find encouragement to start their own journey in sobriety.
About Al:
Al Stone is an artist, photographer, dreamer, and storyteller currently residing in the San Luis Valley of south central Colorado. She thrives in the healing and resistant work of local food systems during the day. In her free time she can be found breaking bread with friends at potlucks, performing poetry at open mic nights, & hiking trails with her sidekick Elio.
Instagram: @wardwellstreet