Ever since I was a little girl, becoming a mom was always part of the plan. When I’d play with my barbies, there was always a “mom barbie” and “a daughter barbie”. It made sense that way. I remember always looking at my mom (who gave me the dolls) and thinking she was the coolest person ever. So when I got my dolls, it wasn’t even a question to make them best friends.  

She made me want to be a mom from as long as I can remember. As a little kid, there are certain things that you can’t help but pick up from your mom or parental figure. Certain phrases stick, even the bad ones occasionally. When I got around the age where I could actively observe adults holding exclusive beverages, I needed some answers. Like any kid, I needed a bite or sip of whatever was so desired in that glass. She then told me it was something adults drank socially, and that was that. No other thought was really given to it, but as I got older my inquisitive tendencies were still very much present.

My mind couldn’t stop asking, “Why do some people act differently when they drink a lot of that special adult juice?” Neither of my parents had a problematic relationship with alcohol, so these “drunk” observations were few and far between. It was always growing up at a family friend’s BBQ or huge holiday party where that one person always drank a little too much and acted so differently. Again, I never understood why they were acting so much stranger than how I always knew them. It’s like I knew internally that some of them never intended to act that way, but it was their predestined character for the night.

At social events, my dad would tend to always drink more than my mom. He still would only have a few, but my mom would typically say no, or barely finish a glass of sangria. Maybe it was the inner rebellious teen in me, but I always encouraged her to drink more. Maybe it was because the “happy adults” always seemed to be giggling or relieving the stresses as they sipped. For the first time in a while, there wasn’t a crying baby at home that reminded them of their newly perceived identity. She always told me she didn’t like the feeling of drinking too much, but that never meant anything to me. I’ve never drank then, so I couldn’t know what I was missing.  

When I was a hot mess express with my drinking in college, it made me sad that she’d never want to go grab a drink with me. It was never her thing, and I didn’t respect that. My dad and I bonded after going out for some drinks and a meal, but I’d always be the one who’d want to keep the party going. So, when I decided to give up drinking for good, they both were completely on board. Drinking was dulling my sparkle and encouraging me to make stupid decisions. It had to go, or it could’ve gotten bad.

Now that I’m 25, my maternal instincts have gotten even stronger. I’m not married yet, but I’m hoping to wait on the kid chapter until I can wear the white dress. But hey, whatever is God’s plan is God’s plan. With full confidence, I can say that I truly cannot wait to become a mom that is fully sober from alcohol. Not only have I always prayed for children that I’ve never know, but I’ve wanted them to see my progress now. That’s obviously impossible, but loving someone you haven’t even met yet is a concept I think about a lot.

When I look into my future child’s eyes for the first time, I know it’s going to be a feeling that I can’t even comprehend. It almost brings me to tears knowing that I’ll be fully present for all of pregnancy and motherhood. If I was still drinking the amount I was up until the time of pregnancy, risks of certain birth defects and sicknesses would be at a much higher rate. I’m never going to be that mom who doesn’t show up to the drop-off line because she’s so hungover she can’t get out of bed. Now I may be the mom that doesn’t show up once in a blue moon, but it’ll be for something extremely serious. No “puke pullovers” on the way there, and no “full-send” wine mommy nights that go downhill fast.

Call me lame, but I want to tuck my future kids into bed and give them kisses every night. That’s because I remember my parents doing it to me. All of the best memories I have with my parents don’t involve a drop of alcohol. As a teenager, I’ll probably embarrass them a lot… but it won’t be because I’m drunk at their football game.

If they ever question why I don’t drink, I’m going to be honest with them and tell them it prohibited me from being the best version of myself. I’ll be truthful and real, but emphasize that this was a decision I had to make fully for myself. Another incredible perk of being a sober parent will be getting to genuinely cherish every single moment. They won’t remember them all, but I will. I’ll try to stuff every single moment into a photo album or an annoying slideshow that none of my coworkers actually want to see.

For now, I’m working on myself every day to become the best parent I could ever imagine. I have my parents to thank for setting an incredible example that I hope to exemplify in the near future. Until then, catch me attempting to maximize my full potential and help others realize that sobriety isn’t as scary as people make you think. I promise.